As you may have seen in the title of this post, this is part 2 of ‘5 Changes I Made To Improve My Marriage.’ If you missed part 1, you can go on and read it quickly here and then come back here for part 2. If you read part 1 already, this took me a lot longer than anticipated to post but here it is now 🙂
1. Communicating
While I’ve always thought we communicate well, for a while now, I am not not sure we actually have. Our relationship has always been very open and one of the things I love about it and my husband is that I feel and can say whatever is going on for me and he is always open to hearing it. I have always been honest with him about everything and him with me. However, I realised that our communication had taken a bit of a dive. I think it started with the death of my dad 7 years ago when a major part of me shut down. It was the only way I knew how to cope with raising a 4 month old and a 22 month old. The thing with being shut down is that you can’t really decide whom to open up to. If you’re closed, you need to stay closed for fear of what might erupt should you open up. This was how it is for me anyway. And so, I shut myself off to my husband as well but this year have started opening up again which has improved our communication immensely.
“Are you communicating in an open and honest way with your partner?”
2. Date Nights
Making the commitment to date nights was the first step in things feeling better as it felt like we were being proactive. Actually doing the date nights has just been incredible. As I said to my husband the other night when we were out. Once again, it had been a busy week, we were tired but just sitting outside at the restaurant with a drink in hand admiring the view, it felt like I could breathe. Just be still, take my time and breathe. I realised that besides other things like spending time with him of course, this was what I looked forward to. Just being and breathing!
“Besides spending time with my husband, date nights allow me to breathe out and remember who I am”
3. Changing What Doesn’t Work For Me
I have tried to look at the things that trigger me, things that irritate me and instead of trying to change my husband, I’ve tried to change the way we do things and the way that I react to them.
“I can not change what my husband does but I can change the way I react to it.”
4. Working with each other as opposed to against each other.
We are still working on this one. At some point in the relationship once you’ve had kids, it becomes a bit of a survival of the fittest competition. Who slept more, who was awake more, who’s more tired, has the harder job? All of a sudden you realise that you start working against each other as opposed to with each other as both of you are just desperately wanting the same things…sleep and down time. So, we have tried to work more together on giving each other what we need and realise that it’s just so much more pleasant when we are in this together.
“Things are always better when we work with each other as opposed to against each other.”
5. Being More Forgiving
My husband was late for my daughter’s birthday celebration at school. Normally, as he walked in, I might have rolled my eyes and clearly made my annoyance with him known. But the thing is, he is an amazing, hands on, awesome dad and we all make mistakes and stuff up a bit sometimes. Because I knew he felt bad enough, instead of laying more guilt on him, I decided that it was ok. So when he came and sat down next to me, I took his hand and gave him a look that said, ‘it’s ok’. Because, flip, we give ourselves enough guilt as parents, how am I helping if I only add to that? And who am I to judge him as I have certainly made my own stuff ups as a parent. So, while I’m working on being more forgiving of his mistakes, I’m actually working on being more forgiving of my own.
“It is easier to forgive your partner when you learn how to forgive yourself.”
I am under no illusion that our relationship is now sorted. It is constantly growing, changing and evolving as we do. But we have definitely found our groove again. Our connection. Our silences when we are annoyed with each other are shorter. I still shut down when I’m annoyed (not sure I’ll ever get that one down) but I can open back up much easier. We are constantly a work in progress. And having just come out of a bit of a slump in our relationship, I am happy that I feel excited once again about this thing we have going on.
Have you made any changes in your marriage which have helped to improve it? Please share in the comments below.
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Total Gold Belinda. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much Cecile 😉 thanks for reading and for your comment x
What I like about your posts are that you acknowledge changes need to be done and you’re working towards it.
Thanks so much Melissa. I don’t always do it right but yes, I try. I guess acknowledging is the first step though right? I say it a lot but it really is a work in progress which is what makes relationships such ‘hard work.’ It’s because it never ends…it’s consistent and constant. Thanks for reading and for your comment x
Love this – and that you appreciate the importance of date night. Five things that have been absolute gold in our relationship:
1. Spend a total of 25 hours of quality time a week together. For husbands, quality time means fun with your wife = playing games, going out, watching movies on the big screen and making love. For women, it means talking and really connecting, so – dinner before the movie, a cup of coffee and a chat after the kids had gone to bed.
2. Tell your husband how awesome he is every day – and mean it. Men thrive on female admiration, and women can be very critical. We need this just as much, to keep us grateful for the man we have.
3. Teach him to love you. Showing love doesn’t come naturally to all men, so some of them need to be “trained” to do that. I taught my husband from early on that I expect at least one long hug a day and to cuddle up at night. Now he does it without thinking and I feel very loved.
4. Celebrate the small things. We drive our Facebook friends crazy because we affirm our love for one another every month publicly. We count monthlyversaries, not anniversaries – as every month we are together is special.
5. Never spend nights apart or have too many separate hobbies. Fun is what makes people fall in love – you never want your partner to have more fun with someone else than with you. Affairs happen way too easily. Most people will tell you it “just happened” and that they never thought that it would happen to them. We need to protect our marriages.
Thanks so much for reading and for your input. It’s always good to hear what works for others and I think that’ s what we all need to remember. Just like every person is different, so is every relationship and what works for some will not work for others. It’s up to the two of you to find your own things that work for you. Which the two of you seemed to have done 🙂 Wishing you many happy years together.
I feel a bit tearful B..but in such a good way! Well done for taking control, for being so proactive & for sharing your experience in such & raw & honest way. A heartfelt thank you for being so brave & for shining your light. Love you lots!
Elle, you’re making me feel tearful with your comment! Thank you so much hun, your words and support are really so appreciated! xxx
I enjoyed this post.
I am a little disappointed at my idea of marriage. I never expected it to be “happily ever after”, but not really what I have experienced either. 🙂
We were inseparable when we were dating, and I was assured we would have a happy marriage (24/7/365) because our heads were in the right place. I forgot to account for personalities. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know him at all&I just can’t get through him, even after all the books I have read about marriage. And sometimes I see the man I fell for and the special one I am crazy in love with.
We are all a work in progress. Marriage itself is a work in progress.
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Lisa, thanks so much for your real and honest comment. I’m sorry you’re disappointed by marriage and I’m sorry you were assured you would have a happy marriage as I don’t believe anyone can really be assured of that. What I have come to realise in my own marriage is that, no matter how much we love each other, the love is not enough. Living with another person is not easy! Constantly getting on with another person is not easy! That’s why they say relationships are hard work, because if we want that happy marriage that we are after, we need to work to have it. It won’t just happen on its own. Because we’re all human beings with a past. With issues, with baggage, with stuff and it takes constant work to see through all that and see the person we love. The work, I believe, is in the communicating, talking openly and honestly, spending time together, and knowing that you are both imperfect. Working on your relationship ultimately means working on yourself and if we can do that together, that’s where the beauty of marriage is 🙂 I hope that by knowing that marriages are most definitely not happy 24/7/365 it can help you to feel ok with the fact that yours isn’t always happy. Much love to you on your marriage journey xxx