Do you ever feel like you’re living a double life? I don’t mean having one family here and another stashed away in some little dorp (city) halfway across the world. I mean the person you are right now…is that you person you want to be? Used to be? Strive to be?
Sometimes, I feel like there’s two of me. No, not in a schizophrenic kind of way (although with those mood swings at that time of month I can definitely border on that) but there’s the woman I am now, 38, mom, wife, responsible, stable (well, mostly) tired, boring, fearful, controlling, critical and then there’s the other woman. That other woman I was before I got married and had kids. The one who used to only go out at 11pm at night, who used to always be the last one standing, always ready to go out, have fun, dance, be a bit reckless, the one who went traveling on her own to Thailand for 6 weeks (yes, I did that!). And yes, I know it’s called growing up and truth be told, that stuff doesn’t really interest me anymore and I wouldn’t go back even if I could but it’s not that stuff that I yearn for. It’s that woman I yearn for. The fun one. The one with no responsibilities. The confident one. What happened to her? When did she become so lost to me? Because she’s still inside me and I know that in putting my responsible mom hat on, I’ve somehow forgotten about her and pushed her deep deep down.
But I can feel her now. I can feel her inside me screaming, shouting at me to set her free. She’s amazing! She’s fun, vibrant, cool, funny, creative, fearless, alive! It’s like she’s clawing at my skin, let me out, let me out! I know she’s there, I sense her, I feel her. Sometimes she manages to sneak out, wave her hello, stay for a bit even but then she retreats back or maybe gets shoved back, I’m not quite sure which one. She is desperately wanting to come out and emerge, stay for a lot longer but for some reason she doesn’t know how. Is she scared of being happy? Sounds absurd doesn’t it but it’s a real fear. Scared of succeeding? Of her power? What is she scared of? Why does she stay hidden? Why is it not easy for her to just come out? Maybe she’s built walls around her to protect herself from being hurt, failing, falling. Maybe it seems easier that way. I don’t know.
I know that in those moments of wanting to leave it all, wanting to walk out and say, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.’ It’s definitely not my family I’m wanting to leave. It’s actually this 38 year old serious, routine slave, responsible woman I’m wanting to leave and return to the other woman I used to be. But the thing is, I can do that without feeling like I need to walk away from her. I can be both. I can be the 38 year old, fun, creative, responsible, confident woman and embody both of them because they are both me.
And I am both them.
Much much more.
And that’s what I’m trying to do…
Do you ever feel like there’s two of you?