I have hardly written any posts since the beginning of this year. If you have read the two that I have posted, My very big wake up call last year and Why I’m probably not doing Valentine’s Day this year, you will know that I haven’t been in the best space but am starting to feel a lot better! I have been having some physical/health issues which I am trying to sort out but it has left me feeling very anxious and despondant about a lot of things, my blog being one of them.
And here’s the total honest truth about my blog…when I started it last year I was in a place of not knowing what on earth I was going to do with my life. I had finished a 3 year part time job and was now in a position of ‘ok, now what?’ Having been a mostly stay at home mom, I realised how much confidence I had lost in myself and how useless I felt as I didn’t know what I could do to earn money. (I could write a lot on the ‘stay at home mom loss of confidence’ thing but I will stay focused right now and reserve that for another time.) I had lots of ideas ( I always do) but they all felt too big and I wasn’t really passionate about them. I then had an idea involving date nights and although it also felt too big, I decided I would start with a blog, build a data base and take it from there. Along with the fact that I had just been through a transformation within my own marriage and was feeling very passionate about sharing this with others, it made total sense and felt so right.
My stats were good from the beginning, I have grown relatively quickly and last year I was feeling really good about it. I was getting positive feedback from all who came across it, my marriage was feeling good from all our date nights and I felt like I had a purpose besides being a mom which was really great for me.
I was working on my blog full time every day as I felt I needed to get 3-5 posts out a week because that’s what everyone says you need to do in order to make a blog successful. So that’s what I was doing. I was tweeting, doing Facebook posts, doing all the things I was meant to do in order to gain a following and more readers. It was all feeling really good until about the end of last year. I was putting so much pressure on myself to have posts on my blog, Facebook and twitter all lined up and ready to go so that I could post them in the holidays. Well, if you’ve read my posts, you’ll see that the end of the year didn’t exactly go how I planned and I ended up not doing the posts I wanted to do because I kind of was in a bit of a crisis, busy having that meltdown of mine and all that stuff.
And since then, I have had no desire to blog. To write, to give date night ideas and all the things I was doing as I just haven’t been feeling it and here’s some of the reasons why:
1.I realised that I was putting so much pressure on myself to make my blog successful so that I could earn money from it and feel worthy. ( I could write a whole post on this as well)
2.I was constantly comparing myself with other bloggers who have been blogging for years and expecting to be where they are even though I had just started…crazy right? Logically I know that but I couldn’t stop those voices in my head saying if I wasn’t there, then I wasn’t good enough.
3. I was so focused on getting stats up, likes, comments etc. that it became all consuming and I placed my value and worth on this.
4. I was stressing myself out about getting the weekly date night ideas out and weekly newsletter because that’s what I had told my followers would happen so I had to uphold that right? As if everyone is sitting there waiting to receive my newsletter and in their very busy lives, they’re even going to notice that they haven’t received it! Ridiculous but I would still stress about needing to send it out every week. (By the way, someone did notice that I hadn’t put my Feb calendar up and emailed me to ask me about it! I can’t tell you how this just made my day and made me realise that if even just one person was reading my blog and getting value from it, that that really was enough for me. Thank you if you’re reading this :))
5. I was constantly feeling like I wasn’t doing enough on Pinterest, instagram and all the other platforms there are and feeling crap about this.
Basically, I was putting so much pressure on myself for my blog to get to a successful place quickly (yes, all self inflicted) and it ended up in me not enjoying it anymore, feeling crap about myself and my blog feeling like a burden more than the passionate outlet it started out as.
I have given it some long and hard thought and wondered if I want to carry on with it and here’s what I’ve decided…Yes, I do want to continue with it but only with these changes that I will be making…
1.The purpose of my blog is not to make money. If it happens, great but it is not my purpose anymore. By changing the focus in my head, I can actually enjoy it and take the pressure off. I am working on other ways to make money but my blog is not one of them. Just saying that feels like such a relief!
2.The fact that I can take the pressure of making money from it off me, means I don’t need to be overly concerned with growing it. Of course, I’d love it to grow but I want it to grow for the right reasons. If that means it’s only a few people reading, that’s awesome. I’ve always been the kind of person who would rather have a few good friends than a lot of friends that are merely acquaintances and the same applies here.
3.I will post something and leave it and will not look obsessively at how many people have read it, liked it etc. as I just place way too much value on that which messes me up and changes the energy of what I’m doing.
4.I will spend less time (or more focused time) on social media as I truly feel the constant bombardment of information can be really toxic for one and in particular for me.
5.I will remember that I owe my blog to no one but myself. If I don’t get to writing a post that week, it’s ok. (I breathe a sigh of relief as I say that)
I will find the joy and passion that I started out with as without that it’s just really not worth it for me.
So, I probably won’t be posting as much, won’t be giving as many ideas but that’s ok with me and hopefully it’s ok for you too. This might change but for now, that’s where I am.
Because this is my journey. And I am discovering again and again that this journey with myself is what ultimately determines the depth of the journey with my husband, my children and the world around me.
I hope you’ll stick around but if not, that’s also ok and I really do mean that.