This is a post that I have been writing in my head so many times. In fact, typing it and writing it down in actual words feels a bit strange as it’s been such a long while, or so it feels like, that I have written anything. My head was starting to feel like a perfectly good place to write my posts but I think it’s time to actually get it out.
I am not quite sure where to start so I think I’ll just start at the very beginning which was last year 11 December. Before I start though, this might be a long post…#justsaying so be prepared. I wrote a bit about what I was going through last year, in My Very Big Wake Up Call Last Year but I didn’t completely tell it all and I’d like to do that now.
It started with me feeling a numbing kind of sensation in my arm. Kind of like when your arm or body part goes to sleep and then you shake it to get the blood flowing well, it was a bit like that only when I tried to shake it awake, the feeling didn’t totally go away. I assumed it was because I had been working on the computer so much and didn’t give it too much energy. Then I felt it in my leg but once again, didn’t give it too much energy either. At this time, I was also getting myself into such a state over trying to get blog posts out before holiday time, packing up our house before going away and just end of year stress. Anyway, on my husband’s birthday, I needed to take my daughter to the doctor/homeopath as she had an ear infection. At the doctor, I mentioned these feelings I had been having. She checked me for stroke which immediately got my nerves going a bit haywire. She said it was probably stress related, gave me something to take, and if that didn’t work, I should probably go and see a neurologist. And this is where it just went a bit pear shaped for me…
This word ‘NEUROLOGIST’ was the catalyst for sending me into a complete downward spiral of internal chaos. My nervous system went into overdrive and I was a bit of a mess to put it bluntly. You see, my dad died of melanoma over 6 years ago, He had a brain tumour and for some reason, this word just elicited a complete reaction of fear, anxiety, dread and grief. It was like a switch had been pressed and there was no turning it off. When my dad died, my youngest was 4 months old and my eldest nearly 2. I had no space or time to grieve. When you’re a mom of two little girls who are completely reliant on you still, you just go on because you have to. But going on, does not mean healing. It does not mean grieving. It just means putting your feelings away in a little box somewhere that has some other stored up feelings as well and there they sit. The thing with this box though is that eventually it gets too full and the feelings need to come out somewhere, often when you don’t expect it and often when you seem to have no control over it. This is what happened with me. I wrote about it last year but let’s just say I felt like I had lost myself for a while. It was a very scary, intense, lonely time yet, as I somehow knew it would, it has given me some beautiful gifts in my life and is guiding me in a direction of following and listening to my heart. But wait, I’m going ahead a bit here…
So, the sensations I was having then became less intense throughout the year and although did not go away completely, gradually got better. I never went to a neurologist as, to be honest, I was a bit scared and also I felt that my sensations were a mechanical/physical issue more than a neurological…but…I was also scared. The year has been quite a rollercoaster of a ride but on the whole I was feeling a lot better. Then I went to meet a new doctor/homeopath in order for my kids to go to her actually and I ended up telling her about what’s been going on for me this year. She wanted to do some blood tests to check some things (I have had sooo many blood tests this year) but am always happy to look deeper into my stuff. So, to get to the point, it turns out I have an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos Thyroiditis. Yip! That was a bit of a shock and not quite what I expected. I’m not going to go into the details of what it is but basically it affects the thyroid. The good news is that my thyroid is still functioning, I’m feeling pretty darn good right now and my antibodies are pretty low compared to what they could be. It is also manageable so all good right? In the bigger scheme of things yes, everything is all good. So then why have I been so quiet you may ask? Well, getting told that you have a disease is never a cool thing to hear and it took some time to kind of process this which I’m still busy doing.
And the reason why I’ve been so quiet is that quite honestly, I just haven’t been able to sit down at my computer. The real gift (if you choose it) of one’s health being threatened, weakened or compromised is that you really look at what is important in life. My journey this year was already leading me to a place of truly listening to my heart, finding my voice and living my life according to my own set of conduct as opposed to one that has been prescribed for me and this ‘diagnosis’ just amplified and accelerated all of that by a thousand times. I am very fortunate that I am at home and do not have paid work responsibilities so I could allow myself to take time for myself. But let me tell you that even though I don’t have paid work responsibilities, in my mind, I had a responsibility to my blog and every day as soon as kids were dropped at school ,I’d be at my computer, writing, on social media etc. I never allowed myself time off because I’m trying to get to a place where I have paid work responsibilities…weird huh?
So, I haven’t been blogging because, I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve also been busy with school commitments but honestly, the thought of being on social media was just not appealing to me at all, and I just needed to take a break from it and reassess everything. And actually I realised that the reason I haven’t felt like blogging about date nights at all was because my focus has not been on my husband and I. We are all good but I’ve had to really just focus on myself a lot and haven’t quite had the space or energy to focus on us and that’s the truth. I’ve needed the space to go inward. To not put my life or myself out there. I’ve also had to change my diet quite a lot by cutting out gluten, dairy and sugar so date nights and going out to a restaurant are not quite what they used to be. I have also really allowed myself to do the things that make me happy without feeling guilty that I should be doing something else. The one day I made fresh basil pesto from my garden…that made me happy 🙂
With regards to my blog…there might be some changes, I might not be around as often as I was, I really don’t know. I know that I am not ready to give up on my blog but at the same time, it needs to work for me, for who I am, and what I want to achieve. I know that I want to deliver, to not disappoint, to give you everything but I also know that I need to put my needs first. My heart. My soul. My health. I need to deliver to me first. I have some ideas up my sleeve so I will keep you posted but for now, I am just going with the flow and doing what makes me happy. So, while I may have been quiet on my blog, I have actually been very busy working on making my inner voice louder, clearer and more heard.
I wish you all a beautiful, peaceful and safe holiday season and new year!
With love and light