Ever had moments of knowing that while you absolutely love your partner, you just don’t like them very much? This was one such moment for me which I wrote about quite a while ago but never got to posting. While I’m happy to say I’m liking my husband very much at the moment, and mostly always do, on this particular night, I wasn’t. This is marriage, people…
As I lie in bed and type this, this is how I’m feeling. Let me go back just a little bit to the weekend. My husband and my girls were away for the weekend and I was home alone the entire weekend! I know, right!? It was lovely! I read, watched some movies, pottered around, slept late, answered to no one, went for a walk in the mountains with a friend and had a lovely chilled time on my own. I missed my family though. I missed having my husband with me, my girls to snuggle. But it felt really good to miss them and just so affirming for me that there really is nowhere else I’d rather be. Of course I know that already and it’s not like I really doubt it but yes, if I’m honest, there are those moments when things are crap and hard and rough that I think, am I meant to be doing this? Is this really what I want? Is this for me? But those are just moments that pass and are bourn out of a sense of frustration, challenge, a feeling of not coping and wanting to run away and escape. Because in my deepest and truest depths of my heart where my soul tells me it’s true feelings, where it speaks to me, where I listen, there really is nothing like having your own family, your place to call home. Home is truly where the heart is. It is where my heart is and belongs. With my most precious of precious people. My husband and my girls. I know this with absolute certainty.
So now, as I lie here in bed, writing on my phone which is steaming up from the heat of my breath, my husband sleeping restfully next to me, I can not get to sleep because I am totally annoyed with him. My heart is racing, my breath is quick, I need to take big breaths to try steady it because that’s how I’m feeling right now. I want to tell him what I’m feeling but I can’t because he’s sleeping…Soundly…while I lie here writing because I know that’s the only way I can get it out and get to sleep.
I know we’ll talk about it tomorrow and it’ll be ok because I know that this comes with the territory of marriage. But right now, as I’m struggling to breathe because it’s getting so damn hot under my duvet, from the depths of my soul I know that I absolutely adore my husband but at this very moment I am just not liking him very much. Just getting that out has made me feel better. And now… I’d like to breathe and go to sleep and see what the morning will bring.
Is it only me who sometimes feels this way or do you have these moments as well? Do you relate? Let me know in the comments below 🙂