Today is the first day in over a month that I have opened my computer. Yes, it has been a loooong break, a very much needed and necessary break. So much has happened in the last 6- 8 weeks that I don’t even know where to start. I wrote this post at the end of last year but was not in a space to publish it or do anything with it. But I’m ready now. So, I know it’s a bit behind time but it is still relevant to me right now, sitting at my desk and feeling my heart beat faster and my pulse quicken as I type and slowly ease my way back into life. Into my blog. Into putting myself out there.
It all started on my husband’s birthday on the 11th December. Everything was all hunky dory in the morning, I made him a yummy breakfast, he went for a bike ride and then we went for a coffee to our favourite coffee shop. My daughter had an ear infection so that put a bit of a damper on things as it limited what we could do plus I needed to take her to the doctor but everyone was happy and content. At the doctor I mention something that’s been troubling me with my own health and without going into too many details, I left there feeling totally freaked out as to what it could be. She suspected it was stress related but couldn’t say for sure. I don’t know if I was already on the edge and I just didn’t realise it but this just sent me into the dark abyss of my over active mind and I had to do everything to keep myself calm in front of my daughter. When I got back home, however, I had my first mini freak out and breakdown. At the time I thought it was quite a big one but that’s only because I didn’t know what was coming for me the next day and, in fact, the next week. I lost all sense of reason. I plummeted down the deep dark hole of negative thoughts, anxiety and fear. I was freaking out…big time! I can’t even remember how the rest of the day went other than that it was not at all how I planned for my husbands birthday to go. Me a total mess and him having to take care of things. ( I’m sorry love) The next day, I thought I was feeling better until, feeling the sensation of panic rising in me and the need to breathe in and out to keep myself sane, my husband said: ‘I’m not used to seeing you like this. You’re normally so strong.’ Well, that was the end of me. I cried like I haven’t cried before. Wailing. Guttural sobs. Over the possibility of something being wrong with me. Over possibly dying. My children dying. My husband dying. Over my dad’s death over 5 years ago. All the things I’ve been holding onto, all the things I haven’t dealt with, fears, grief, loss came pouring out of me like a tidal wave of emotions enveloping all in it’s one big swell. Thankfully my husband was there to support me by gently putting his hand on me and just being there, present but giving me my space to just let it all out. I’m so grateful to him for that. For being there in exactly the way I would want him to be.
I had a few more moments after that of thinking ‘This is it’.
This is the point of no return…
The thing is, until I started feeling the stress building towards the end of the year, I thought I was coping, I thought I was doing quite well actually. 2015 didn’t start off so great but I thought 2016 was going to end off really well. Feeling good. And then, what do you know, out of no where it hit me like a ton of bricks. That wave of emotion, despair, anxiety so strong that I felt that this is the moment where it just all falls apart and it can’t be put back together again. If you’ve ever had those moments, they’re pretty scary let me tell you. And I’m afraid my husband couldn’t be there all the time in the way that I wanted him to as, in those moments, I’m not sure if anyone can. But he tried. And I love him for that.
Fast forward to today and I am feeling much better. My health is fine and my concerns were based on fears and anxieties. I’ve had a couple more ‘breakdowns’ since then but with each release I slowly feel myself coming back to me. My ‘breakdown’ released a lot of things I’ve been holding onto and I realised I seriously need to start looking after myself more. I eat well, I exercise fairly regularly, I don’t smoke, don’t drink much but I don’t do much for me. I don’t look after my well being.
In my blog, I’m all about putting the effort into your relationship now. Don’t wait until the kids are older because you can’t put your relationship on hold. At some point, it reaches the point of no return. Of not being able to go back and fix things that have been broken for too long and swept under the rug. Well, it’s the same for your relationship with yourself. I realised I have been sweeping too many things in my life under the carpet. With raising 2 girls I haven’t been able to go there.
I’ve been too scared of what it will open up inside of me and of then not being able to cope.
So best just to deal with it another time. It’s all about survival, right? But the carpet is losing it’s thread, it’s ripping open because at some point it ultimately does. My dad’s death I couldn’t properly deal with when my daughters were 4 months and 22 months is just one thing. It’s all unravelling. And while I know it’s ultimately for the good, it’s still sore and hard and difficult and painful.
But I’ve had a huge wake up call. I need to deal with my stuff. I need to change certain things in my life. The things that aren’t working for me. I need to create the kind of life I want. I need to focus on me. Because it really can swallow you whole if you don’t. If I don’t… I need to reflect on what changes I will be making in the new year in order to heal and strengthen the relationship with myself that I have been neglecting for way too long. And as I am learning the hard way and finally getting the message I say to you and myself: be kind to yourself. Take time for yourself. Look after yourself. Because nothing works if you’re not ok.
And this is what I’m taking with me into 2016…what about you?
There is so much I have to say at the moment but I am not quite sure how to say it all. And I’m not going to try. I’m going to start here and let the rest flow out of me when it chooses to. It feels good and scary to be back writing and although slightly nervous, I am also rather excited for the year ahead.