I had a crap sleep last night and am already feeling my energy dipping so when my husband said to me this morning: ‘Don’t worry, love, stay in bed. I’ll take care of everything’, I was seriously appreciative and realised why I’m so lucky to have this man of mine. But hold on, before you go and think that my husband is a saint, let me just tell you that this has been a process and it’s not the way it’s always been.
At the moment, the standard routine in our house in the mornings is that whoever is taking the kids to school gets themselves ready while the other one packs their lunch boxes and makes them breakfast. It wasn’t always like this…
It used to be me setting the alarm, getting up and packing lunches, making breakfast etc. I can’t totally remember exactly at what point this changed, but at some point I think I got so fed up with constantly doing the lunch boxes and being in charge of the school morning routine that I probably said something and change happened. Maybe it wasn’t immediate but it did happen. (Just a side note here…you can’t expect change to happen if you don’t express yourself about what it is that isn’t working for you.) So now we’re in a much more equal positioning when it comes to the school morning routine and it works.
“You can’t expect change to happen if you don’t express yourself about what it is that isn’t working for you”
While it’s been a process to get us to this position where my husband can say to me, ‘don’t worry. I’ve got this’ (yes, those three sexy words) it’s also been a process for me to say ‘ok.’ Even as I was lying in bed this morning, I started feeling bad and was almost going to get up and help out but I stopped myself and allowed myself the time to stay in bed and let my husband take care of things. Because although that’s what I say I want, sometimes, I don’t always allow for it to happen.
There have been many times leading up to where we are now, when my husband might have said, ‘it’s ok, lie down, I’ll take care of this’, and while lying down, I’ll hear my girls fighting, my husband stressing out about trying to deal with them or whatever might be going on and my instinct and what I’ve done in the past is to jump out of bed, gone to see what’s going on, sorted everything out by rescuing the situation and made everyone happy…Right? WRONG! Because here’s what I’ve actually done. I’ve completely disempowered my husband by ‘rescuing’ him. I’ve ‘rescued’ him because I feel bad that he’s getting stressed out (which is so ridiculous but completely true) but by stepping in, I’m not allowing him to learn how to deal with our girls, to go through his own process with it. And then I end up feeling resentful that I can’t even ly down for a bit without having to be needed and ‘sort everything out’ when I’m the one who decided to get up! It wasn’t my husband calling me! Again, ridiculous but true.
Granted, it is much easier now that our girls are 7 and almost 9 but after nearly 9 years of parenting I am finally learning the art of letting go. Because it really is often about that. As women we might complain that our husband’s don’t do this, don’t give us time out but do we allow them to? Can we let go of the control enough to take the time out and deal with whatever is going on outside the door? Can we hand over the control and let them pack the lunch boxes?
I did, and while I lie in bed this morning, I’m so grateful I did! 🙂