The last couple of days I’ve been feeling really edgy and irritable. I don’t really know why. I can probably guess at a couple of reasons but that doesn’t really help the feeling go away. It comes and goes but when I’m feeling this way my patience is seriously low and my ability to get annoyed at any little thing is seriously high. I nearly lost it with my daughter this morning when I thought she was still in her pajama top and not dressed for school yet but actually realised after that she was dressed and it wasn’t her pajama top so I humbly apologised to her. But the point is, is that the things that normally get me riled up seem to quadruple in magnitude and the feeling that arises is so intense, I sometimes scare myself with the anger/frustration that lurks inside me. (I am hesitant about mentioning PMS and hormones here but let’s just say it’s a real phenomenon.)
We all have moods right? Good days, bad days. Well, I’ve been having a couple of bad mood days and this is where the difficulties with marriage comes in. My husband and I have been getting on really well and things are generally good with us. We’ve been affectionate and loving and are generally in a good space. So, when he came home last night, I can understand if he felt a little bit unsure of the way I was acting towards him. He wasn’t met with the usual hug and kiss but more of a half kind of a hug and a bit of a lame excuse of a kiss. I was feeling irritated about trying to get supper ready, needing to go to the toilet, my girls hair needing to be dried and rushing rushing rushing. Because I’m feeling like I’m constantly rushing with everything! As I write, I am starting to see where my frustration is really coming from…Anyway, so hair dried I ask him to finish with supper so I can go to the toilet. I really don’t want to share my toilet habits with you here but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to hold it in for a long time because I’m busy making supper and can only go when my husband comes home. Totally ridiculous but something other moms will hopefully understand and another point of underlying frustration for me. Right, so husband steams the broccoli and I ask him please to not overdo it because I like it crunchy and not soft.
Come back from the toilet to sit down to supper and the broccoli is soft! Can you believe it!? I can laugh at it now and see how totally ridiculous, bratty and immature I was being but that soft broccoli seriously pissed me off! Not to mention that I had intended on cooking the whole packet and he only cooked half of it. Luckily I restrained myself from saying too much about it ( I’m learning) but inside I was seething just a little bit. Thinking I just need to bloody well cook supper myself, can’t he do anything right blah blah blah. Of course, my mind doesn’t stop there. It then continues to try find fault with everything that he’s doing from there on out. BUT I’m learning. I’m learning that when I’m in these moods, I need to just remove myself from whatever we’re doing and go have some time out. And that’s just what I did. I’m telling you, if I had not removed myself, we were heading for a fight, argument or something over nothing. Because actually, I would just be using him as an excuse to get my frustration out. Someone to blame for feeling the way I was feeling, someone I can shout at, get annoyed at, take my frustration out on. Because that’s what spouses are for right? Umm…actually no. That’s not what they’re for but that’s what we (I) often end up doing and I didn’t want to do that. So I took myself off to my room to lie on my bed.
After we had put our girls to sleep, I took myself back to our room back to bed just to chill. And here’s where I feel like we’re really getting better at this marriage thing giving credit to both myself and my husband. He offered and brought me tea, asked if I wanted to be left alone and respected my wish to do that without taking it personally or getting upset about it. I had my time on my own, he watched some TV and we rejoined in bed again with me feeling like I could actually now engage with him. Still slightly apart because of the space I was in but no bad feelings between us. I recognised that my irritation towards him actually had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me needing to take space for myself. He recognised the same and gave me what I needed. What do you know? We might be growing up after all!
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Remember small things have big impact. Life is in the details. Appreciate each other. Love each other. Nurture yourself. Nurture your relationship. Do the work!