So, it’s Valentine’s Day coming up soon. At some point last year I was already thinking of Valentine’s this year and getting excited about it. Because my blog is about connecting and loving each other, Valentine’s Day felt like a perfect opportunity to have all lovey dovey things and I had lots of ideas of posts I could do. Well, guess what, life has a different plan for me and a different idea of what I should be doing as I am just so not there at the moment. If you read my post My Very Big Wake Up Call Last Year you will have a bit of an understanding as to what’s been going on.
To be honest, I’ve never really been that big on Valentine’s Day anyway. Maybe it’s the rebel in me or the little child that doesn’t like to be told what to do but I am just not that keen on being told when I should be celebrating my love for my husband and vice versa. Plus, I’m into the little details of life, remember? So this idea of putting one day aside to spoil each other, spend lots of money, and tell each other how much you love each other is in theory great, but what happens on the other 364 days of the year? I’ve said it somewhere before and I’ll say it again but I would much rather have little gestures every day from my husband that let me know that I am loved, as opposed to one grand gesture once a year.
But besides all that stuff, the truth is life is a bit of a struggle at the moment. Maybe I’ll feel differently, but at this moment in time, the thought of going out and celebrating a day at a place with a whole bunch of other people doing the same thing feels contrived and just not in my reality right now. I am feeling like I can only do real right now. I can’t put on the happy face that I’m so not feeling, I can’t put the ‘everything’s ok in my life’ mask as that just requires too much effort and I just can’t do it. Truth is, it’s a real struggle for me to even be writing right now as the words just don’t seem to flow and it feels like an anxiety provoking experience more than the cathartic experience it’s meant to be. Because when I’m putting it all out there for all to see, I can’t turn off the ‘what do they think’ button. The one that is constantly flashing in my head with everything I do. The thing with feeling the way I feel now is that while I am feeling totally demotivated to do anything, I am also feeling totally empowered to not give a fuck. About what anyone thinks, about whether they like what I write or not, whether they like me or not, how many followers I have, how many comments I get because god damn it, it’s pretty flippin exhausting worrying about what people think all the time and I’m too energetically tired right now to give a shit. Just saying that feels really scary but so damn good!
Maybe if things between my husband and I were feeling better, I would feel differently about the whole valentine’s day thing but that’s just not how it is right now. I keep coming back to this cliche of how you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else and the older I get, the more I realise it is such an overused phrase yet so true. I love my husband and I desperately want to have fun with him and laugh together like we were doing last year but this year is just not setting itself up for that. And this takes me back to the whole ‘relationships are hard work’ thing. Because they are so complex. There are so many variables involved. I’m struggling with the relationship with myself and now I need to also work on a relationship with someone else who’s busy working on the relationship with himself and then I haven’t even brought in the relationships with the kids…flip man, this stuff is exhausting. It’s no wonder I’m coming across so many people who seem to feel overwhelmed, anxious or depressed and I tend to feel that way myself.
So, I had very good intentions of doing a post of all that’s happening for Valentine’s Day but I’m just not feeling it and can’t quite bring myself to putting it together. However, even though my blog is meant to be about me, I am constantly thinking about you so if you want to know what’s happening as there actually are some cool things happening, Cape Town Magazine has a very comprehensive list of what’s going on so go have a look there.
Maybe I’ll feel differently when the time comes, I may well feel differently tomorrow. But this is where I am right now so this is what I’m putting out for all to see…and this is me not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks! (that’s not entirely true but I’m trying…it’s a process…)